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Socrates, Plato and Aristotle walked into a bar.
Socrates asked the bartender, “Will you tell us of your meager life as a servant?
Bartender answers “It's hard work, but I can laugh out loud, with gusto and never worry about consideration.”
Plato said, “Thank you for your service.”
Aristotle expressed surprised.
God and Nietzsche meet for the first time. Both say in unison..."You're supposed to be dead!"
If a man is alone in a forest, and he says something aloud with no female around to disagree with him...is he still wrong?
Kleptomaniacs don’t get sarcasm because they generally take things literally.
What do you get when you cross a philosopher with a godfather?
An offer you can’t understand.
A philosopher told a friend she recently gave birth. The friend congratulated her and asked “Is it a boy or a girl?” The philosopher says “yes”.
Did you hear about the guy who took a course in socialistic thought but dropped out because of poor Marx?
What did one skunk say to the other? I stink, therefore I am.
What does a philosophy major say on his/her first day on the job?
"Would you like fries with that?"
If surgeon General C. Everett Koop had been an existentialist, the Tobacco Products Label might read:
Warning! this product has been found to cause cancer and emphysema, and lead to increased likelihood of strokes and heart disease.
However, as the Universe is a soulless waste inhabited by unthinking machines it doesn't matter in the least whether you smoke or not.
Go ahead, light up, it's all the same to me if you live or die.
Before marriage, we may have no particular philosophy. After marriage, we become philosophers to try to understand our mates.
How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on how you define 'change'.
How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to rail against the darkness
The other to redefine the meaning of light